My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
