u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
