Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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