Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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