you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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