I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
