I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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