i think my mom watched the whole time
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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