My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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