you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
