In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
A bitchslap is in order.
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