kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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