You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
