Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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