I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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