I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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