He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
