I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
