I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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