Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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