I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
