he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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