Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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