Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
