I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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