Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Randomize
