So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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