I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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