a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
