It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
