Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
