I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
