There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
