My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
