So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
