shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
