My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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