Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
