so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
