At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
