i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
