I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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