the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
