Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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