how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
