He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
