just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
