I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
