...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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