I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
