I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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