The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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