worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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