can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
