Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
