Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
