I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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