i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
