The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
