So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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